Lonely Mummy and Lists
Grab a tea or coffee and maybe some snacks this is going to get real!
Being a #parent can be a lonely job. Yes, you have the dad or the mum to help you (in some cases), but sometimes that isn’t enough. Don’t get me wrong I love my hubby to the moon and back but he works a full-time job and some days he goes out at 8 in the morning and arrives home at 8 in the evening.
I find myself looking back on my life pre-Charlie. I had a great group of friends, a busy social life and a hubby who I adore, not to mention my two mad mutts. I had a weekly trip to the pub quiz, weekends out and about and even the odd mad driving adventure to wherever our car took us.
Then it happened, I got #pregnant. It was the most amazing feeling in the world, apart from absolutely shitting myself at the thought of childbirth. As my pregnancy went on I saw quite a lot of my friends and family and I had many offers of ‘if you need help’ or ‘can’t wait for weekly cuddles’.
I was excited to share my little lentil with the world. I would talk to my belly and tell him how lucky he was to have so many honorary uncles and aunties who couldn’t wait to meet him. I felt so lucky.
Charlie arrived on the 24th May 2017 weighing 6lb 3.5oz at 10.44am. The first few days were a bit of a blur. My mum was waiting on the recovery ward for me, Andy and Charlie but all I cared about was eating my tuna mayo butty. I was nil by mouth as my delivery was by #c-section and left the first nappy duty to daddy.
When we got home we asked people to just give us a few days to adjust to our new way of life. My mum came up from Cornwall to help us out in the first few weeks, which was amazing. I’m a bit of a mummy’s girl and this help was very welcome! A few #friends came to see our new arrival and bring welcome home gifts. My living room was filled with tiny blue baby grows and gift bags and at that point I knew we wouldn’t be needing to buy and 0-3 clothes which was great.
As time went on most of the visitors went off. I began to feel forgotten by most and it didn’t help when people would arrange to visit then forget. This happened 10 weeks in a row. My self-esteem plummeted big time, and with low self esteem came #anxiety. I hated having to drive anywhere and started to slide into my comfy butt shaped groove on the sofa.
I tried to go out as I really needed some adult conversation. I was beginning to tire of talking about Baby shark and the 3 little pigs, but the little tit inside my head kept saying ‘ooh how are you going to manage’. So, I sat there playing out the scene and writing a virtual list in my head.
A few weeks ago, a good friend invited me to lunch. I was losing my nerve, but I decided to stop being a pussy not only for my own sanity but to give Charlie a nice day out with his mummy. I went through the list in my head over and over but this time something clicked. So instead of thinking about the 14 things on my usual list I just thought of each step.
I drove as my friend’s new car was a bit too small to fit us all in. It was the furthest I’d driven in a long time since having Charlie. We parked right outside, and my amazing friend helped me carry Charlie to the #cafe. I had nothing to panic about. It was the best feeling being out with another adult and it was thanks to her. All my #stress seemed to disappear, and I started to feel calm again. We found a table outside Tiffin’s in Cleveleys as it was a sunny day and the owner came to take our order. She was so lovely and offered to make Charlie half a kids toastie, which to me is going the extra mile. A lot of the time Charlie only eats half of what we give him, the rest gets thrown onto the floor. We chatted and finally, for a little while at least, began to feel like me again.
I still find myself stuck in a vicious circle of wanting to go out but then getting myself so nervous to go out that I stay at home in my safe bubble. Then I feel guilty for not going out and then I get upset. Then it starts all over again.
I worry about me falling. I worry about Charlie falling. I worry about carrying Charlie. I worry about Charlie causing a fuss in public. I worry about not being able to control the fuss Charlie makes in public.
I love spending my days with Charlie. We have so much fun together and he’s honestly one of the most entertaining children I know (yes, I’m biased but he is), but I still crave the company of other people who can string a sentence of at least 3 words together.
My family live 372 miles away from me and it’s the hardest thing not having them just up the road. We facetime everyday though and if I need a break my phone gets hooked up to the lazy arm we bought, and my mum entertains Charlie for a little while. I guess what I’m trying to say is if you know a mum or dad try and put an hour aside every now and again to visit them or even call them. I’m starting to come out of my shell again and that’s thanks to the handful of good friends I have.