The Unicorn Mummy
His Balls Work!
Have you seen the season finale of Gavin and Stacey? If you have you’ll hear the title in Gavin’s voice, if you haven’t let me explain from the beginning.
There were the usual chats you have when you’re in a serious relationship. Did you leave the toilet seat up? Did you remember to buy the toilet rolls? Where did you put the remote? But the one that led to all this Blogging was, do you want kids? I had always dreamed of the perfect family life - nice house, white picket fence, a big field with my 3 ponies (Buzz, Woody and Bullseye, obviously). A good-looking husband with pecks and a six pack and 2 kids. I never got the ponies but I did get the hubby (six pack being installed) and eventually the baby. It wasn’t easy though and it begins with a scalpel, 3 feints and a trip to a and e.
After we’d decided we were going to start being responsible for something other than our 2 dogs, we made an appointment to slice my arm open and remove the rod which had comfortably made residence there. I lay on the bed staring at the wall thinking shit, this is it, from today nothing will be the same! No sooner had I thought that the rod was out. I looked over to Andy whose face had gone a lovely milky white and thanked the nurse for making it as pain-free as possible and I took the lead out of the room. As we entered the waiting room I heard a massive thud. Turning around I noticed Andy wasn’t behind me, well he wasn’t stood up behind me. The thud was him face planting the floor! He gazed up at me looked at my arm and facepalmed the floor a further 2 times! It was on the 3rd headbang that I realised he had fainted! My god, I’m the one who’s just been cut open and he’s taking a nap on the floor!
A cold flannel, a ride in an ambulance and 5 hours in a and e later we were at home discussing how the hell he was going to cope in a delivery room when in reality a 2 inch cut on my arm made him feint 3 times! After assuring me he was fine and would cope, especially since he wasn’t going to go near the business end, we started the task of trying. You may think task isn’t the right word, but it is. When you start actively trying for a baby it becomes a task. Endless ovulation calculations, iPhone apps and the one I remember the most, not wiping afterwards in case you wipe away any chance of that little tadpole reaching its destination.
Fast forward 2 years. Nothing. No sign, and 20 failed pregnancy tests. I had worries it was me! Was my arthroygryposis preventing me getting pregnant? The doctor we saw was amazing. He referred us for tests and assured us my dodgy joints wouldn’t affect the outcome of getting up the duff. We had tests on sperm (there were 3 lots of sperm samples Goldilocks, one was too little, one was too lost and the third was just right). There were tests on my ovaries, blood tests and my personal favourite ‘the balloon up my #*^+%. I was peeing dye for days. Anyway, all the tests came back fine. Andy’s tests were above average apart from the morphology of his tadpoles. I giggled over the thought of a 2 headed sperm swimming towards an egg!
After a year of tests and fertility appointments, talk of IVF came up. To be put forward for IVF, my BMI had to be below 30, and let me tell you it was nowhere near. Let’s say it was on the scale of KFC’s and smarties. A baby was what we wanted though so we watched our weight (see what I did there) and shed the excess pounds we needed off. I got down to a BMI OF 32 after losing over 50lbs and felt bloody great!
Our next fertility appointment landed a week after our Florida honeymoon, which we’d saved up for 2 years to go on. I was dreading the thought of going to that appointment after wolfing down American pancakes and a ton of olive gardens! Fortunately though 4 weeks before we flew I was late! Yes, Late!
We got our 32nd test and for the first time, the second line began to appear! Another 4 tests from Asda all with that second line and a trip at 8 am to the Drs confirmed we had done it! Do you want to know my first thought? Sh*t ’s in there, now I’ve got to push it out in 9 months!