Am I Crazy?
Parental Separation Anxiety!
Ever sat downstairs while your baby sleeps or plays in another room? The answer is probably yes. But do you get anxious or upset because you can't see them or you're not with them? I do and it's honestly the worst feeling ever. I was going to wait a bit to write this one but writing it down and telling you all about it and how it feels might help me become more sane!
When I was pregnant I'd imagine weekly date nights to Nando’s while Charlie was being well cared for at home by relatives and friends. Child free nights where we’d actually sleep a full 8 hours and not wake up looking like a scene from the walking dead were something we were thinking of and looking forward to. We wanted to keep being Andy and Becky as well as Mummy and Daddy. As my pregnancy went on I still looked forward to these planned nights of freedom but the idea of me not being with or even near Charlie became harder and tougher.
The morning of my c section arrived and I literally was shaking harder than a jelly on a vibroplate. I just wanted the morning, especially, to be over. Then it happened. I was sliced and diced and handed this little perfect ball of flesh. It was the craziest moment I’d ever experienced. I now had to keep this tiny ball of flesh alive, fed, changed and happy. That’s when it hit me. Responsibilities! I had to grow up (a little but anyway).
I’d finally arrived home where I just remember sitting and switching my zombie like stare from the wall to Charlie and back to the wall again. It was that moment I thought about leaving him to go to the toilet and I just burst out crying. Now whether that was actually the thought of leaving him or the thought of having to walk up the stairs worrying if my scar was going to open, I don’t know but I do know I couldn’t wait to get back downstairs. The next day my mum aka Nana arrived. We needed some shopping so walked the 5 minute walk to our supermarket while she watched over our little monkey. I cried the whole time. It felt like Andy was pushing me at lightning speed just to get us back home.
It’s now over a year later and I’m still as nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs, but I’m learning. Both my situation and I have been called stupid. You know what? If wanting to be with MY baby 24/7 makes me stupid, bring it on! I am so lucky to have a husband who understands how I feel and I’m so privileged to be able to have my mum as Charlie’s Nana! My mum is one of 2 people (Andy being one) I can talk to about literally anything! Yes even sex stuff! When you’re so low and anxious it’s so important to be able to talk to someone you trust with all your little brain niggles.
When you have your baby there’s so much pressure on leaving them, when in reality or at least in my reality, all you want to do is attach them by a thick Velcro strip and never let them out of your sight. Yes I’m shattered, yes I’m in pain, yes I wish that whinging would stop, but it’s all worth it! This is only the start of it. There's so much more to tell you about but for now I'll leave it there. If you need to chat about something similar to what I've gone through, talk to your partner, your mum and if you feel you cant, I'm here drop me a message!